just to give you a brief overview of my life, I am currently working for sutherland global services in makati. basically i am part of the PayPal United Kingdom account. Just recently I was trained for the Merchant Technical Support team which meant

1. i had to brush up with my programming languages
2. my schedule had to change

and change it did -- my shift starts from 1pm and ends at 10pm. it's a weird shift for someone who's catering to clients from united kingdom. besides, the whole 25th floor is deserted, except maybe for a handful of people on the other side of the room. so in a nutshell, i get the whole floor to myself in 1-2 hours time. (my teammates start their shifts at 3pm)

today i was furiously typing away on some email task when theo sat beside me. i assume he just slept the day off at the sleeping quarters. i was partly checking livejournal entries.

our internet connection is weird -- of course we have access to eBay, but strangely enough, we also have access to blogsites and photobucket. don't ask me why, i have no idea. the only downside to it is that you would not be able to comment or post anything.

he yawns and says, "gusto ko sana pumunta sa cosplay...kaya lang may pasok ako."
i say, with a grin, "my bestfriend will dress up as kuroro lucifer, so that's something to see."
"wala lang, i just want to spend quality time with you."
quality naman pala e.

he taught me about these nifty things called proxies, and went home (because in the middle of an email task i headed for the pantry and replaced his companionship with some cream puffs)

so now i'm barefoot and eating a cream puff, facing the window, with all the panoramic buildings and roofs. it's getting dark again, the weather's pms-ing.

anyway. there you go with with your update. i'm fine, i guess.

between you and me, i was never really big on office politics. i'm not a revolutionist. i'm a coward who does not take sides. so, i found myself, again, in the break room after a team meeeting at Hungree Burgers in dian. dian, where we scoured to find a company we could showcase for systems analysis and development. the team decided to have some drinks after the burgers, and i'm not really in the mood for anything. you see, my grandmother is sick. she's currently confined at the Lung Center of the Philippines, and visiting hours start at 9am.

rule number one: do not watch big fish before visiting somebody in the hospital.

tim burton's big fish made a big splash a few years ago, but i really dint have the time to watch it. i've heard people coo, praise and rant about it, but i haven't seen big fish until now. you see, the plot was so thin, so simple, so pandering in sentimentality, but it doesn't fill you up with meaningless sugar. if only life and love was easy, then we would not have to make up our stories. i remembered my grandfather, and the last time i saw him. i showed him the tarpaulin and expalined the robot that we built for the exhibit. he smiled with those david caruso eyes and said, "i'll come at your graduation." dammit. that's when i knew i was going to cry, sooner or later.

i hate crying. more than that, i hate crying in public. i hate myself afterwards for crying, for showing people how weak i am. for not being able to control myself. i thought it was safe to cry since i was the only one awake at that time, if ever i start to cry, but i dint cry 'till the last scene, when edward bloom asks, with difficulty, the story of the big fish, and how his son tried so hard not to push the red emergency button at the hospital wall. then everyone at the break room woke up just when i could not stop the tears from falling.

after big fish, i hailed a bus going to fairview. it took me more than two hours to reach the lung center, and when i arrived, even though i had my huge funky tinted sunglasses, my grandmother croaked, "you're crying. were you crying for me?"

she had a tube connected to the side of her breasts, connected to a big bottle on the floor. they were draining the water from her lungs, my mom explained. then, when my mom went to sleep and i was sitting next to her (she dint want to lie down), lola said, "i feel like a dog about to be slaughtered. i want to die."

DAMMIT. i hate hospitals. i hate the thought of death. i hate myself because i'm not good at saying the right things at the right time. i don't know how to ease the pain of someone suffering. i am so used to being single i can't comfort people.

i felt i was going to cry again, but i did not. i just held her hand.

what is tabulas?

here i am at a seedy internet shop. it's 3am, and it's unusual for me to break my weekly CSI schedule (it's already CSI New York). i've been blog hopping for a couple of hours now, reading odds and ends in friendster, stuff.

what is tabulas?

what is up with me? tabulas is my secret haven. i do not have any personal friends visiting my tabulas anymore. i can rant about my ever theoretical lovelife without worrying that out there someone will raise their eyebrows. i can be all sentimental and mushy and not mean anything. that is tabulas.

what is up?

i finally mustered enough courage to visit my ob-gyne. alone. did i ever mention i'm scared of hospitals? makati med is just a few blocks away from the office and being the random dork that i am, i walked my way there, asked for an ob-gyne, had a transrectal ultrasound, and found out i have polycystic ovaries. i will forever bleed. physically.

i don't even know if it's a big deal or not. i mean, i don't feel anything. i still have my two jobs. my abdomen doesn't hurt, i don't have dysmennorhea.  i still have my hr duties, and i'm performing well.

my bestfriend tells me to quit a job, that i'm working too much, that i should take my medication. bestfriends are nifty creations. i can't imagine what i'd be without marynel. obcors, she's worrying herself silly. i tell her i'm fine. she worries anyway. that worries me.

i'm confused i guess. perhaps i am working too hard. how could you tell? i always loved being stressed. i'm all stress and sunshine. meanwhile, my theoretical lovelife is in a state of emergency. i worked myself to the point of exhaustion to quit him. i almost did.

then he starts with his magic. magic? daaaaah. he goes on, breaking the walls i built around myself, carrying on like nothing has happened. years! this has gone on for years! it's hopeless! it's desperate! my hormones are imbalanced already. i could go on pointing fingers and ranting on.

then we start getting serious, and i slowly back off. because. i don't know. it's just scary. and i'm weird, i know. didn't i dream of a bright random relationship with him? anlabo, pare e.

yun lang. for now.

i've been thinking.
i really don't need any frills in life. i don't need fame, or an i-pod nano (although if someone offers me one for free, obcors i'll take it), or a booming social life.
i've have the best friend i ever had, i have my family who never expects more than i can achieve, my tropa, my peecee, my notepads. a good paying job. the most brilliant random love-hate relationship.
yun lang. shempre ide-delete ko ulit 'to.

I don't care if monday's blue
tuesday's grey and wednesday too
thursday I don't care about you
it's friday I'm in love

monday you can fall apart
tuesday wednesday break my heart
thursday doesn't even start
it's friday I'm in love

saturday wait
and sunday always comes too late
but friday never hesitate...

I don't care if monday's black
tuesday wednesday heart attack
thursday never looking back
it's friday I'm in love

monday you can hold your head
tuesday wednesday stay in bed
orthursday watch the walls instead
it's friday I'm in love

saturday wait
and sunday always comes too late
but friday never hesitate...

dressed up to the eyes
it's a wonderful surprise
to see your shoes and your spirits rise
throwing out your frown
and just smiling at the sound
and as sleek as a shriek
spinning round and round
always take a big bite
it's such a gorgeous sight
to see you in the middle of the night
you can never get enough
enough of this stuff
it's friday
I'm in love